Increase your sex appeal on the surf by following this simple trick

Now that’s very sexy. Photo: Cassia Tofano//Unsplash

I think I’m an average looking guy. If it’s last call, the lights are dim, and you’re scanning the room for a potential mate for the night, you could definitely do better than me – but you could also do MUCH worse. My teeth are straight. I shower regularly. I own about two pairs of beautiful shoes. My haircut is neither trendy nor too offensive. I will not tickle your fancy, but you will allow me to stand beside your fancy. My mother will tell you that I am a nice guy with a big personality – the ultimate telltale sign of where I am listed on the attractiveness totem.

This has largely translated into my surfing. No one ever approached me in the parking lot to congratulate me on doing a very average job. In fact, unless I got a whole new board, no one really noticed I existed. And even then, it all boiled down to some random guy saying “New painting? Sick!” And that was it. I could come and go from the water as I pleased. Just another black wetsuit floating in the sea. A run-of-the-mill surfer pedestrian.

But everything has changed. Now I am filled with worship. Pretty young college girls toss their hair to the side and say “Wow!” when I walk past them like I’m the star of a cologne commercial. Men give up on what they do and gape at my now undeniable genius. The children deny their parents and demand that I adopt them. The other day, a stranger literally ran down the boardwalk to get my attention. RAN. It was seven in the morning and this guy in sandals and jeans did his best Usain Bolt impression just to get a chance to talk to me.

You might be wondering – how did I go from being just another boring surfer with a dripping nasal cavity to dripping with sex appeal?

Simple. I bought a retro twin-fin fish surfboard.

Not just any retro fish, mind you – a fish with a blue resin hue that’s five feet and three inches of pure, unfiltered sex. This board lets you know that not only do I have style and soul, but I’ve mastered the motion of the ocean. I have flow. Plume. Some I do not know what.

In fact, I don’t have any of that. But this painting is so powerful that it will make you believe otherwise.

After buying the fish, everyone now wants to talk to me. People stop me on the beach just to tell me how much they love my new board. I am now constantly bombarded with questions in and out of the water – how does it ride? Where did you get it? What are the dims? Do you like it? I know riding a mid length is all the rage these days, but it seems the real obsession of the surfing community is twin fin fish. I’ve never heard so many men yell “BRO” at me and then follow up their aggressive greeting with compliments. It’s gotten to the point where when a stranger inevitably says “Wow, that’s the perfect board for today”, I’ll respond using my best impression of Han Solo, only saying “I know” with a smile. smirk on my face.

That must be how an attractive celebrity feels. The sand is my red carpet and everyone wants to stop me for a picture. Who knew that all you had to do to make people lose their minds was slam two fins onto the back of a thick, curvy surfboard?

I’m drunk on my new FISH POWER – a fish frenzy if you will. Obviously women want me and men want to be me. I could knock over a child’s sandcastle and his parents would thank me for doing it so seductively. That’s the kind of power I wield now. This fish gives me an 87% chance of stealing your girlfriend, wife, and/or beloved pet. The Fonz had his straight hair and his black leather jacket, I have my blue fish and a taste for danger.

I am unstoppable! Well, except going upside down. It’s a bit tricky. But on this painting, it doesn’t matter if I’m going left or right, because I’m always going straight to your heart.

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