I can’t wait to suck the surf in the metaverse

Kai Lenny and Mark Zuckerberg enjoy a foil session in the ‘Metaverse’. Photo: Meta//YouTube Screenshot.

Mark Zuckerberg has spawned the metaverse – a virtual world that humanity can populate, exist and interact with – thinking that we will all eventually want to embrace the digital world much more than our own. Considering humans have done such painstaking work to make the real world an unbearable shit, it makes sense that they would want to temporarily retreat elsewhere. But the Metaverse aims to be the preferred reality, not just temporary. Good to know that the architect at the helm of our all-virtual future is Zuckerberg – the man best known for creating a website that excels at turning your aunt into a grammatically difficult Nazi.

This is the dystopian future that sci-fi movies of the 80s and 90s tried to warn us about. The simple concept of the metaverse should be covered in cement, locked in a nondescript box and transported to a secret government warehouse in the middle of nowhere guarded by TOP MEN.

But we are in 2022, where only the worst ideas thrive. And Zuckerberg pours billions of dollars into the Metaverse because he’s afraid of Tik-Tok. So it’s not just going to succeed – it’s going to thrive. It’s time to open that ark, baby.

And look what we have here – Meta has already found a way to cram surfing into this mess (okay, foil surfing, but still). Great – because people wearing VR headsets walking around their living rooms trying to surf are exactly what we need. I can’t wait to discover new ways to suck surf in the Metaverse. One minute I’m riding a cyber wave, the next I’m tripping over my couch and into an unsuspecting houseplant while trying to get bitten by Meta. I can’t wait to be covered in lusciousness and shame!

Because Marky Mark is driving here, that means we’re all on the train to the monetization station. It’s not going to stop at a Metaverse-like VR game. Oh no – there’s probably going to be a whole surf universe you can wander around and spend some real money on. However virtual you may be, fresh out of a VR surf session, you’ll wander into the Rip Curl virtual store where a virtual Mick Fanning will sell you virtual boardshorts for your virtual character. You will be spending real money on these boardshorts. The Rip Curl boardshorts Actually will never wear. A mirage indeed.

Nobody asked for that. Nobody wants a world where surf brands can sell digital products, the outside world can be largely ignored, and we’re supposed to be more inclined to surf in our living rooms than in reality. But that seems to be our new course. You’d think nothing could replace the feeling of catching a wave of perfect coat with hot summer rays hitting your face. And yet here is Zuckerberg doing his best, aiming for the real world to mean nothing and the digital to mean everything. It’s not quite a sun-blocking villain, but it’s damn close.

I keep wondering if there’s any upside to a Tron-meets-World-of-Warcraft-meets-surf universe. Maybe the technology will develop to the point where you could put on a headgear and surf a realistic pipeline. Or maybe enough surfers are sucked into computer-generated surfing that our real-world breaks are getting emptier. Or it could give access to surfing to people who otherwise couldn’t physically do it.

But, come on man, this is Mark Zuckerberg we’re talking about here. It only ends one way – and that’s not good. His team is more likely to program the metaverse to allow six baby boomers from Nebraska to meander your 3D-generated wave than do anything positive for society.

Kai Lenny – if you’re out there reading this – you have to listen to me. Talk to your boy Zucks. Tell him it would be an infinitely better idea to go out and foil a pool of little kids than to create something as astronomically pathetic and meaningless as the Metaverse. Or lock him in a tub of sunscreen so he can be kept away from the rest of society. There’s an argument to be made that he’s already ruined the real world – he doesn’t need to create an entire, even more heinous virtual one.

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